May 22, 2012
Standing in line at Best Buy today, I encountered the most ridiculous thing of all time:
Stop to appreciate the fine artwork that is a panther wrestling a cobra. Genius city. My question: upon pouring the energy onto my tongue will I morph into one of these things and fight people? Or am I in violent chaos before indulging in the energy sticks? Who knows?
Ed Hardy Energy Sticks. Yes. There's no other branding on this product. All energy. All Ed Hardy. No sugar, no fat, no calories and 80 mg caffeine. People, what's not to love? I had to instantly buy this. My trusty sidekick wasn't on board. The practical person in him noticed that it costs $3.59 for three shots. He declined to mention that to me until after they were bought. Thanks.
Anyway, when you open, the'res a theme change:
No longer violence, but just koi and a sweet mini octopus to greet you. "Pour on Tongue. Sweet Caffeine." It just keeps getting better. It's like Ed Hardy himself (is it even a person?) is whispering sweet nothings into my un-energized ear.
We started this odyssey with high hopes:
But, if you can even believe it, the energy sticks turned out to be really weird:
Honestly, the flavor really wasn't all that bad. It kind of tasted like a less sour pixie stick. But, it didn't really dissolve that well. It was like coarse sand you had to just swallow. Sick. It somewhat had the consistency of Pop Rocks, but without the fun popping part. It was gross.
I took the thing around 30 mins ago and I feel caffeinated, but nothing special. I'm pretty sure I just poisoned my insides with Ed Hard-branded chemicals. Why do I always fall for this kind of shit?
After watching the Bachelorette last night (which I'm too angry about to discuss), skipping my lunchtime gym appointment and now putting this into my guts, I'm in a full shame spiral. I feel like I'm just hopping on the bandwagon of American cultural and physical gluttony. Help.
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