Apr 8, 2011

Newsflash: Friday, April 8, 2011


Hello all! It's Friday and the Newsflash is back! I'm excited to be working only a half day, then road-tripping it to the wedding celebration of the season. (Watch out Kate Middleton, this one is going to be a doozie.) But, before I can dream of wedding cake and finger foods, I've got to share these hot stories:

1. RPatz may finally be done with that hag. Maybe that was too mean. But, supposedly my sweet, sweet Edward has dumped sourpuss Kristen Stewart. The couple have been on the rocks for a couple of months, and he was the one who ended it once and for all. They're filming Breaking Dawn right now, so you have to assume that's awkward. I bet life with Kristen Stewart in general is pretty awkward, maybe that's why they split. I can't find a better reason. Whatever the reason is, REJOICE! I have him all to myself now...


2. There is a bacon-scented cologne. Yes, you read that right. It's called bacōn. You can smell like the crackling breakfasty good ness that is bacony pig fat. It's available in two versions - classic, which is more of a maple-y smelling scent, and gold, which smells more citrus-y. I do love the smell of bacon, but I'm not sure if I'd want a man to smell like it all day. I think I'd have trouble resisting the urge to lick him. Maybe that's the point. I'm intrigued. I think the Prince would get one sniff and be so confused his head would explode. I want to go to the mall and have a little swatch of it shoved in my face at Macy's. I hate that, but I'd be willing to stop and lend my ear to the salesgirl stuck with bacōn.

3. Brangelina is picking up another baby? Angelina Jolie debuted a seventh tattoo on her arm this week. The other six are the latitude and longitude coordinates of the birthplace of all six of her children. It hasn't been confirmed where exactly the new one points too, but people think it's somewhere in North Africa. So does this mean they're going to be acquiring another member of the family? Celebrity rumor mill crap like this is like crack to me, it really is. But honestly, I'm over the whole "Brangelina is raising their own ethnically diverse army of celebuspawn" thing. At this point don't they have their hands full? Don't the other six need plenty of time/attention/love/diapers changed? I guess really I'm just bored with it.

4. They want to exhume Mona Lisa! An Italian historian believes that the Mona Lisa was based on Leonardo DaVinci's MALE lover, so he wants to dig up her bones and get to the bottom of it. They want to retrieve her remains, snag some DNA samples and attempt to better recreate the image of her face. Oh, and find out if she was a girl or not. The digging is set to begin at the end of this month, but they're only partly sure they're digging in the right spot. The crypt (which might not even be the right one) has likely shifted, and could have even been bulldozed in recent years. This seems like a ridiculous plan. Why can't everyone just be happy with one of history's most interesting myseteries remaining a mystery? I like when things are mythic and sketchy (which say alot about my choices in men, by the way)...I wish they'd just leave it alone.

5. Quote(s) of the Week:
"Every woman has that stripper inside of themselves," she said. "It just takes confidence to be able to show it. I'm not saying really going out and stripping in front of people. I'm saying that everyone has that confidence inside." -- the bizarrely wise Kendra Wilkinson
I've always found Kendra to be immensely entertaining - mostly because she has mastered the artful tapdance that is being reality television gold without being too dumb to function. But, in this case, I'm sort of blown away. She turned a Playboy bunny stupid statement into something that's actually pretty encouraging. You gotta hand it to that ex stripper turned gold digger turned wife and mother - we all could learn something from her confidence.
"I have recently taken up painting as a way of killing time on tour. I got a big canvas, threw some paints down and then stripped off and rolled around on it. It's very liberating. And very, very messy." -- Ke$ha, who never disappoints.
Where can I buy one of these? Like right now. I want to be famous so bad, if for no other reason than to be able to satisfy my every whim and curiosity. I want to head down every boredom-induced rabbit hole that pops into my mind like Ke$ha gets to.


6. Best April Fools prank EVER: supergluing a stranger to a Wal Mart toilet seat. Authorities in Maryland are still hunting for an April Fools day jokester who doused a toilet seat with superglue. Some unsuspecting victim came by, sat down, and was stuck!  The paramedics had to be called to remove him. (giggle) The victim sustained "minor injuries to his buttocks" (double giggle) and the perpetrator could face assault charges. I do feel terrible for this poor guy who got his butt glued. Superstores in general have notoriously disgusting bathrooms. I can't even imagine being physically restrained by my butt in one. I'm dying to know how long he was stuck there. For my own comedic sake, I hope it was long enough to text/tweet/Facebook about his predicament. I'm still trying to find any evidence of that. Furthermore, why in the world would you be in a Wal Mart bathroom and not use one of these??!?!?!
 Anyway, love this story

7. Mariah Carey's naked pregnancy photos are out! Don't worry, if you were on the edge of your seat about this (like I was), there are now pictures of Mrs. Nick Cannon's prego with twins naked belly:
People are always saying "Pregnancy is beautiful. It's the most natural thing in the world." Blah, blah, blah. This just makes me tense. The pose is just way too centerfold-ish to me. Also, this is Life and Style Magazine! Naked on the cover of that is not the same as naked on the cover of W, my friends. Maybe she thought she looked like this. Or this. Or even this.  She's due to deliver her twins soon, so I can only imagine there are copious more "world exclusive" photo spreads to come. I love me some Mariah Carey music (the old good stuff), but I can't decide if I'm excited about seeing any more from Mariah Carey the mommy. But, in all seriousness, I hope she's happy and healthy.

I hope each and every one of you has a weekend full of delights, fun times and possibly even some questionable choices. Those are the best kind. I'm headed to Abilene, TX to celebrate the matrimony of one of my closest pals. As much as I grumble about being on the wedding circuit, I really do love to see my besties so beautiful and in love on their big day. Who am I kidding, there will be an open bar. But I do love the happiness and joy. Yay!

3 comments:

  1. Mariah's hair bothers me in that picture above. Like all that wavy mess is coming from her armpit. Creeps me out.

    ReplyDelete
  2. HA! I wrote about the Mariah pregnant belly today too. That was just about the best link of the week. Here's a secret though..I sort of dig Kendra!! I think she's sassy and really loves her baby and that's important.

    ReplyDelete
  3. First off, we are going to have to fight it out over RPatz! I've been waiting for him to dump her once and for all!

    I agree totally about the Brangelina thing.. Pay attention to the ones you already have!

    And Mariah just flat out creeps me out in her pics.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for the comment! I"m sending you a big cuddly warm bearhug through the interwebs....

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