Jun 16, 2010

Dear RHONJ, I love you.

Last night I got caught up on one of my fave shows, The Real Housewives of New Jersey (RHONJ, for short). I sort of forgot the fabulosity that happens in beautiful Franklin Lakes, NJ. Here's a breakdown of my thoughts so far this season.... Evil takes a new form in Danielle Staub. Oh my freaking heavens. Just when you think she's gone as crazy as she can, she goes a little further. Not only has she hired some felonious thug to protect her from the "toxic attacks" of the other women ("toxic attack" means they call her a bitch in the testimonial interviews with Bravo producers), but she has pimped out her children for her own gain, gotten into a text fight with a teenager and maybe released her own sex tape. When she gets going down the path to crazy town, there is no turning back. She gets a little infuriated and her head spins around and she speaks in psycho tongues. She's honestly an insane person. She makes Kelly Bensimon look smart and wise. Caroline Manzo. She hasn't been too much of a voice this season. She is the mother hen and puppet master of all the other women (or so that's my theory), but she's pulled a lot of punches this season (boo). It's clear she despises Danielle, but she's claims to have "disassociated" with her. Whatever. She's too busy shamelessly plugging the Brownstone to fiddle with all the cattiness. She did reveal that she shaves her face every morning. I feel too weird about that to comment. Otherwise, I enjoy the Caroline segments because I'm hopelessly in love with her son Albie. This is a new frontier for me, he may be the first reality star to make the fantasy boyfriends list. That opens the door for a lot more candidates....I'm having a serious mental dilemma because he's a real person, still thinking about it.... Dina Manzo. Last night she left the show! All the craziness is happening and, like a classy adult, she just politely declined to participate by stopping filming. How weirdly mature of her. Dina is the calmest, most level headed and seems to have it the most together. And she's by far the best dressed. Her husband and daughter aren't featured. She has a strange respect for their privacy and her family's dignity. Then just when I'm disoriented by her sane-ness, she whips out her bald cat and new age crystal voodoo. It's a wash. Jacqueline Laurita. Oh sweet, sweet Jacqueline. She always gives people the benefit of the doubt. I may even venture to say she's a bit of a doormat, but god love her she's so sweet. She has a maniacal poptart of a teenage daughter, Ashley, who deserves to be beaten. Jacqueline does her best to remain patient and kind, until last night when she dragged her out of the house by her ear for mouthing off. Hallelujah! She gets mixed up with the wrong crowd sometimes (Step off, Kim G), but it's because she's so sweet. Probably my favorite thing about her is her husband, Chris (Dina and Caroline's brother). He's sort of just sleuths around in the back of the scene. You don't know his business, but you know he has guns and he will beat up on a dude. He's just the right amount of sketchy to make you wonder if he's in the mob, but be too scared to ask. Teresa Guidice. Last season's infamous table flipper, she's probably my favorite. She is an absolute supermom. For reals. She has 4 little girls under the age of 9 and she runs that house like a naval ship. She cooks, she drives them around, forces them into modeling careers. She appears to be a sort of normal-ish mom. Love that. All the while, she's a ridiculous, stereo-type enforcing, jewel-encrusted, big-haired Jersey girl. She does all this momming without help from her guido husband (who's awkwardly small) and always looks flawless. When she gave birth she was begging for diamonds and replenishing her makeup. She asked "when she could put frou frou things" on the baby before they'd cleaned of the womb juices. Unfortunately, she named the baby Audriana. Too many vowels in that name for my taste, but I'm not a Jersey girl. (In actual news, this week it's come to light that the Guidice's owe upwards of $11 million on their home, cars and credit cards. Ooopsies.) All in all, this season has been a veritable buffet of juiciness and scandal. I heart the RHONJ so much it's embarrassing. Maybe if I marry Albie (who is my same age and in law school) I can be on the show one day too. Daydreams...

8 comments:

  1. Danielle is revolting. I do, however, find Jacqueline's new baby boy absolutely adorable!

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  2. LOVE that show!!! I totally agree Danielle is just, CRAZY! Hope you don't mind if start using RHONJ because that is just awesome!!! Love it!

    ReplyDelete
  3. i love this show. Danielle is crazy and a pathelogical liar and she needs to get off the show because shes getting annoying now.

    I'm a little confused as to why Dina left because she said 99% of the reason she left was because of Danielle.. but i dont see how danielle and her drama is going to go away just because cameras aren't around Dina anymore. very odd.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for the comment! I"m sending you a big cuddly warm bearhug through the interwebs....

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