At the beginning of the month I decided to make a few resolutions to keep me on track for a few self-help initiatives I'm working on for 2010. Sadly, I've mostly failed (this fat down-trodden leprechaun is sort of how I feel writing this out right now), soI'm ready to wrap those up: here's what happened:

1. Lose 5 lbs. I'm pretty sure this didn't happen. I never did a weigh-in, so I can't be certain, but with wedding extravaganza and crazy ladies weekend, I'm going to assume it is a fail. By the time I remembered to weigh myself over at my friends house (I don't have my own scale) it was like March 10. I'm going to copy/paste that one for April.

2. Be more positive. I'm not sure about this one. I've definitely made a concerted effort to be sunshinier, but I can't decide. I think I achieved this goal, but there are definitely some touchy topics that put me on the express train to negative town. This is sort of a long-term project.

3. Give up chocolate candies at work for lent. So far I've done it! I haven't munched a single nugget since I began the endeavor. Easter is on Sunday, so the end is in sight, but it gets harder every day.

4. Call friends in faraway cities. I've done only fair on this. I've tried to reach out to some of my long lost buddies and succeeded somewhat. No excuses here, will do better still.

5. Write 20 Poodleism Posts. HOORAY, you're reading #21 people!

Since I'll consider most of those not a success, I'm going to commence with my April commitments. Its springtime, the time for re-birth, growth, new beginnings. I intend to get high on the sensation of accomplishment this spring. Gettin' 'er done will be my drug of choice. Here's how:

1. Lose 5 lbs. Weigh-In is happening tonight. It's serious time. I'm nervous about this endeavor, as I will be introducing chocolate nuggets back into my life on Monday. If you're reading this and you see my in my everyday life, remind me about the weight loss thing. This seems to be a trouble spot.

2. Clean out my apartment. I have a dresser, closet and several cabinets that are chocked full of random clothing and items that are cluttering my life. I need to really roll up the sleeves and do some spring cleaning. This little mami needs to run a leaner homestead...and there may be a move in my future. I'm hoping to find a way to sell some of my unwanted crap, but If I don't want it nobody does. It's time for a purge.

3. Read a book. This hearkens back to my original New Years resolutions. Lately I've been feeling like the interwebs are rotting my brain. I like reading, but it's just a matter of opting to snuggle into bed and do that versus bond with my DVR library.

4. Work on the Prince's discipline. The little man doesn't do anything overtly bad like use the indoors as a toilet or destroy things, but he can be quite unruly. He needs to brush up on sit, stay, come, etc., but I'd like to teach him some new things and get started training him to be off of a leash. I finally found some treats the little brat will eat so maybe we can get started today!

5. Try a few new recipes. Not just browse foodnetwork.com for some grilled chicken variation I haven't attempted, but really get in there and learn some stuff. I always marvel at how my mom and grandmothers know how to make everything off the top of her head and I want to be that person. Guess I'm just going to have to do it.

The March resolutions were a little tougher than these. I hate to lower the bar, but I think this awesom-er new me is going to take some work. Baby steps. Also, my new goals are more blog friendly....

As I've mentioned before, this spring time is jam-packed with television delights for me. One little nugget of goodness I haven't really discussed this season is the Real Housewives of New York City, which is a few episodes into its new season. I love this show so so so much.

While all of the housewives casts are wrought with materialism and elitism, none even come close to the snobbery of the Manhattan-ites (I think because the snobbiness threshold is higher there than anywhere). This amounts to really fabulous TV. Orange County bores me. New Jersey is too trashy. Atlanta is fabulous, but I think kind of awkwardly focuses on the ladies' blackness too much. The reason I think the New Yorkers are so good is that the majority of them are highly educated, accomplished and have amazing careers of their own, whereas the others truly are housewives, so they only talk about their kids and the country club. I need more drama than that. These sharp, savvy, modern women on-the-go can take the bitchiness and backstabbing to a whole other realm and I just gobble it up. They also have the best clothes and vacation homes. And, they all ship their kids of to hoity toity boarding schools so they have plenty of time to get all dressed up and "do lunch," which makes up many scenes. But, on the downside, their men are decidedly the least attractive. This is why I love/hate all the "housewives:"

Jill Zarin. She is my favorite. I honestly can't say much bad about Jill. She is the most real, tells it like it is, and is fiercely loyal to those who do not betray her. She also has a hilarious husband, Bobby, who may or may not have a seedy side business running out of the back room of their fabric store. She has a great accent, is fair and only back stabs those who betray her. She will hold a grudge like it is nobody's business. There are tales in the tabloids of her jealousy, but if Bravo doesn't capture it, I try to ignore. Love her.

Bethenny Frankel. She's my other favorite. Although she looks like a bobblehead and is WAY too skinny, she keeps things pretty real most of the time. She works hard for her career, is the only one that hasn't been married and is very independent. She has a new love interest (who she has since married and gotten pregnant with), so I'm thrilled to see her happy this season. She is a chef and her business is to teach women how to eat and drink delicious things while staying trim. I fervently support this endeavor. She usually doesn't get too mixed up in the drama, honestly I think it's because she is just too busy. Unfortunately her and Jill are in a terrible fight. Breaks my heart.

Kelly Bensimon. A former model, Kelly dresses extremely inappropriate for her age and is WAY too tan. She is always showing way to much T&A for a woman in her late forties. To make matters worse, she recently posed almost naked for Playboy. Gross. In addition to her being way too sexy for a mother of two, she is ridiculously immature and just plain stupid. She has an entirely made up fantasy world in her mind in which she is the queen and everyone on earth is sparkly and skinny. She also loves to date foreign men that are way too young for her. She's new to the cast and I think the others hate her and wouldn't be seen with her if it weren't for Bravo.

Ramona Singer. I prefer to refer to her as "crazy eyes" because she has some weird thing going on where at all times her eyes are focused as if she is in the middle of heated fisticuffs. I assume its the result of a cosmetic procedure gone wrong. She also wears really short outfits and loves to dance on bars. Her family business is selling ugly sparkly jewelry. Since their products are so hideous, I assume her guido husband, Mario, is involved in some other kind of operation too. She is pretty much in the middle of every fight in the history of the show. The husband is atrocious too and they often make an unstoppable classless team.

Alex McCord. She is a shameless social climber...and admits it. She and her terrible husband, Simon, openly discuss trying to "be seen and photographed" at swanky events where they don't exactly belong. Simon is and English hotel manager and pure Euro trash. He's been known to wear snakeskin pants and leather shirts (see wardrobe ridiculousness at left). Really. The cute thing about them is that their children are often featured and they're devotedly in love and are rarely apart. She doesn't have much controversy, but Simon's antics are enough that they should just stay in Brooklyn where they live. She's also weirdly skinny for having two babies under 5. I'm thinking Phen Phen.

LuAnn de Lesseps. Until her European royalty husband cheated on her and they divorced earlier this year, she was referred to exclusively as "The Countess." She is the ultimate show of upmost snobbery and conceit. She truly believes she's better than other people. She looks down her nose at almost everyone she meets and demands that service people refer to her by her title. So, so awkward. She's written a book on etiquette and class, but treats people really terribly sometimes. The woman does know table manners and thank you notes though, and I have a lot of respect for that. She also has a smoker's voice...the picture of class.

If you made it this far, thanks for sitting through that lengthy run-down. I clearly have spent too much time with this show if I can comment that much. I have a couple episodes to catch up on before Thursday night rolls around, but this season thrills me so far. I love them so much.

This morning I ran across the bizarre caper story of an elderly couple fraudulently returning boxes of Jell-O to grocery stores. Apparently the Mrs. would go to the store, purchase at least 10 boxes of Jello and go home and devour the delicious contents. Then, they would put sandwich bags full of sand or salt back into the boxes and then reseal them. The husband would then return them for a full refund. They apparently hit at least 5 stores on several occasions each. To dispose of the evidence they cooked up and enjoyed all of that gelatin. Their flavors of choice: butterscotch and pistachio. GROSS.

I think the weirdest part of this story is the flavor options. That's a freaking lot of nut-flavored gelatin. This has gotten me thinking about what my perfect crime would be...This is Dwight Schrute's caper of choice:

After giving it a little bit of thought, I have figured out my perfect crime:

It involves me stealing all of the cupcakes at Sprinkles. (How is my March project of losing 5lbs going you may ask? Not so hot.) I would go into the store disguised as a famous celebrity. My top options would be Beyonce (wouldn't even need a costume) or Fergie. While all the high school girls that work there are rallying around my stardom I would perform an impromptu concert in the store so to ensure nobody in the kitchen was guarding the treats.

Then, the prince (who has been in my purse the whole time) would sneak out to the getaway car and alert manfriend (just like when Lassie barks that Timmy is in the well) that he can go in the back door and snag the cupcakes. While he is loading up the car, they're showering me in praise and even more cupcakes.

I would then go home and eat them for every meal of the day until I ran out. I may donate some to my friends or starving kids or something, but some would have to be saved for laboratory examination. I'd have my expert scientist friend (Andrea, I know you're ethical, but the deliciousness would force you to participate) study the cupcakes and devise the recipe for me to make them myself. I'd then make that recipe better (perhaps with the assistance of my pal Casey who is a real cupcake expert), open another store and make billions of dollars as a cupcake chef. I'd also have extra money for bariatric surgery and diabetes medicine.

Booyah. What's your perfect crime

Happy Happy Friday Poodleizers! I'm back to my old news-flashin' ways this week. Here are the things that caught my little eyes!

1. Jesse James had the freakin' nerve to cheat on America's sweetheart, Sandy Bullock. I hate cheaters. I now hate him and his appetite for tattoed sluts. This breaks my heart, I thought this was the "good girl turns bad boy good" story of the ages. Apparently he's been parading his inked peen all around town with several tatted "beauties." A few of his ladies have now come forward with years of sexts proving his scoundrel-ness. One of them even has a bizarre skinhead past. Now he's been offered to pose for Playgirl. (As a sidenote, I absolutely love Playgirl's shameless capitalism on the most abhorrent play boys. If you ignore the amoralism, it's really good publishing.) He sucks and I fully expect him to be exiled to reality television Siberia. I'm going to start brainstorming my suggestions for Sandra's next love connection....

2. Space News! Oh how I love space news! The photos below were taken by a British man using only a Canon digital camera (like the point and shoot you have in your purse) and a helium balloon! They're so amazing! He set the camera on timer mode and floated it up above Earth's atmosphere with a balloon, snapped some pics and used GPS to get it back down to him. The project that NASA would have spent billions on cost this dude only $747! Whoa! I can be a space explorer too! There are more pics and a short video to watch if you want to know more. I'm blown away by this recessionista space photo shoot. Wonder if my digicam could survive in space...

3. Initial reports have surfaced that Beyonce is pregnant!!!!! STFU. I have adamantly told several of my near and dear that this is one of my favorite daydreams. The arrival of B and J's powerspawn feels like a present just for me. I thought it was a gift enough that the two were married on my birthday a few years ago, but now this? It's too much for me to handle...almost. I can't wait. I hope this rumor is true.

4. Quotes of the week:

"I would kiss Beyonce, Lady Gaga, and Rihanna. I would marry Beyonce, Lady Gaga, and Rihanna in Africa, I’d have three wives! And I would avoid wearing condoms and have really big families!'"—50 Cent in an odd quote

Sounds like this talent-laden popstar version of Big Love is the best idea he's ever had. And I mean, EVER had.

"I don't lover her new music, it's not the same [as her old stuff]. It's like Michael Jordan coming back out to play in the NBA. She is past her best." -- Justin Bieber on he would collaborate with Mrs. Nick Cannon

Easy little Biebster. Watch what you're sayin'. I do love this little guy, but the AMATEUR really should tap on the breaks before he says blasphemy like this. I will admit that her later works haven't topped genius items such as "Dreamlover" and "Honey,'' but come on.

5. Some Russian dude, Dr. Grigori Perelman, solved the Poincaré conjecture, which is the world's hardest math problem and is over 100-years old! It's not everyday you get news in the math world, but in Joe Biden terms, this is a "big f-ing deal." He solved the freaking thing back in 2002, and it has taken this long for experts to confirm he is correct! WTF? This little lady didn't even take math in college, so I honestly cannot even begin to conceive of what this accomplishment really means. To give him kudos, some nerd organization offered him a $1 million prize which he rejected for no apparent reason. Mathematicians are really so weird.

6. Osama Bin Laden is still alive and still absolutely treacherous. That's a huge understatement actually. I think it should make the news (and even into the consciousness of a media bottom feeder such as myself) when this scummy scumbag pops back up. He recently released a short audio clip criticizing Obama and his handling of the 9/11 perpetrators' trials. He generally was "unimpressed." Ugh. Why is this cowardly cave-dweller still hoodwinking us? I hope our troops are hot on his trail as we speak.

7. Speaking of powerspawn, apparently Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is trying to become a bounty hunter. She is one precious and beautiful little tot...but why the skull cap and gun holster? I guess they can't all wear Mary Janes everywhere they go (I'm talking to you Suri Cruise), but I'm confused by this outfit choice. She's gallivanting around Venice stopping crime these days, and hopefully she'll grow into her fashion sense. If not, she'll probably be able to roam around looking afool the rest of her life. Damn her and her hyphenated power name

Lots of love, have a fabulous weekend, I know I will!

Bumbling around on the internet today I discovered a high-larious comedy group called the Key of Awesome. They make funny parody videos for YouTube about some of pop cultures finest ridiculous things. I tend to have a short fuse for parody comedy, it annoys me and is rarely done well. I think its difficult to craft an eloquent, yet knee-slappingly comedic critique of mainstream culture...there are so few of us in the world that can do it. (JK...sort of) Below find a little video library of my faves:

Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance." A pretty good articulation of most of our "WTF?" reactions to Gaga.

Justin Bieber. I'm embarassed to say that this video reminded me that the little Biebster is nowhere near legal. I forget that alot. He's just so damn cute.

Twilight. I typically do not endorse making fun of Edward and Twilight whatsoever. This is really more about how ludicrous our sexy fascination with vampires is. I won't be changing my stance about their sexiness anytime soon.

Lady Gaga and Beyonce's "Telephone" Video. Refer to previous post. This says it better than I.

Ke$ha's Tik Tok. In this video the fictitious Ke$ha pukes glitter. So jealous.

Anyway, there are tons more giggle-tastic little tidbits on their YouTube channel. Browse around on a slow day, I highly recommend it.

The health care reform bill is driving me nuts. It is absolutely everywhere. You want to know why? Because, according to Joe Biden, this is "a big f-ing deal." See the evidence:

Joe Biden is the king of word vomit and I love it. WTF was he thinking saying the F word on tv like that? Honestly it kind of refreshed me to hear someone speaking in everyday talk about the health care bill. Really reminded me of the ole George W. Bush days ("Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech." -- George W. Bush to Pope Benedict). If anything, dubbya knew how to keep it real.

At the risk of getting too FOX News on all of you and going on a tirade... I'm sick of all the hate on the health care thing. For heavens sakes, the whole point of the thing is to make sick people feel better and poor people get the medicine they need. I despise all the "Obama may as well have lit the Constitution on fire" trashtalk. There are good ideas behind this thing. And lets face it, there are times when the federal government actually gets things right! Ha! What a ridiculous notion! A friend sent me this, which I think is a good testament to federal programs gone right:

(If it appears too tiny, click here to read)

Without the federal government we would have a crappier atmosphere (Thanks, EPA), planes with broken parts and shoe bombers on them (Thanks, FAA), poisonous improperly pasteurized dairy products (Thanks, FDA) and Janet Jackson nipple slips everyday (Thanks, FCC). Oh, and they also make sure that people don't come over here and blow us all up (Thanks, entire military).

Can I get some freaking patience? Can't we just see how this thing just shakes out before we accuse Barack Obama of wiping his butt with the entire concept of democracy?

That is all. Feel free to comment. But don't get too crazy. This blog is supposed to be about sparkly things.

I'm one lucky little ducky to have some sweet blog friends (they're also both friends in real life) that have sent me awards. I've wanted to brag about them and today's the day:

The first award I got was from my buddy Adele over at DillyPooChatter. She's an awesome friend/colleague/fellow blogger and I want to be like her when I grow up. She inspired me to start Poodeleism and fiercely reads it all the time. Heart her lots. She sent me the award and I crap-tastically declined to show my pride at the time. I've been known to space out when thanks are due. Perhaps that will go into my April resolutions. Nonetheless, THANK YOU DILLYPOO. "Sunshine" isn't something I get called often, but is great to hear. The next one is from Casey (yes, same name as me, don't you dare mix us up though, there have been ugly moments in the past when mixups occur) at Sitting Pretty in the Big D. She's a close pal and sorority sister. Her blog tells the charming and hilarious discoveries and stories of a genius engineer navigating girl world. If you aren't reading it already, you really should get on that. This award comes with some rules....The Rules

1. List 6 things you are a master in

2. Pass it on to 6 bloggers you think are masters at friendship and make blogging awesome.

Here are 6 things I believe I'm a master in (sidenote: desperately wish I could add Karate to the list):

1. DVR-assisted TV. I really have mastered the ability to achieve total television domination. My weekly television docket is jam packed, so nothing would ever get done without DVR. It's honestly one of the most magical things I can think of. I am extremely efficient and remain current on all of these: Gossip Girl, Modern Family, Community, Parks and Recreation, The Office, 30 Rock, Gray's Anatomy, The Real Housewives of NYC and Project Runway. And that's just what I've got workin' right now.

2. Fancy cheeses. I love all sorts of fancy non-homogenized gourmet cheeses. Goat. Gouda. Gorgonzola. Bleu. Provelone. Feta. I'm a cheese snob. I know what cheese to pair with most foods and which ones are good/bad. I've almost mastered all the Kroger offerings. I'm scared to venture to Central Market.

3. Wine on the bottom shelf at my local grocery stores. Manfriend and have sort of become vino enthusiasts but we rarely venture from our $10 or less budget. I know which wines are carried at each store (gas stations included), which ones were too cheap to try again (Gat0 Negro Cabernet tastes like poop) and which ones we've yet to sample (all red varieties are fair game). I have a generally poor memory, but not on this.

4. Poodle baths. Since the prince sleeps in my bed, I insist/require that he be pretty clean at all times. I have pet peeves about crumbs/dirtiness/smells in my bed, so welcoming him came with the obligatory commitment of weekly (sometimes bi-weekly) poodle showers. I've made an art form out of harnessing him, getting him into the bathtub, the scrubdown, the detangle and the blowdry. I can do it in under 20 minutes if I have to. It's like a Nascar pit crew in action. Blink and you'll miss the whole poodle bath routine. This is a pic of him getting his first bath the night I got him. Precious.

5. Being only slightly tardy. Just ask the carpool. I'm routinely just late enough to be considered not on time, but never late enough to like really destruct my plans. This is somwhere in the 3-8 minute range. This tiny tardiness causes extreme stress for me because I'm always "just that close" to being where I need to be at the right moment.

6. Notes. I love mailing cards/letters/notes to my friends in faraway places. Thank-you notes was an etiquitte must-do in my family. I hated them as a small child, but now recognize the timeless and ever-appreciate love love letter sent via snail mail. I try to stay on top of it and think I do a pretty good job. I also like writing in markers on the outside of the envelope. That could be a big part of it. I've expanded my notes to fancy stationary, stickers and the occasional confetti stuffed inside. I love doing it.

Thanks award-giving friends. I appreciate you more than I can say.

I'm back to the blogosphere today hungover from a long weekend of delicious brunches and 3 nights of Austin, TX -style debauchery with my best pals.

Generally it was a rip-roarin' good time had by all. The weather was weird and we didn't have a badge or wristband to be officially at the festival, so I didn't end up seeing that many bands actually, but the one that I did discover was Jukebox the Ghost. I liked them a lot. I dig almost any group with a keyboard. I snapped this photo of the group at Clive Bar, a joint that I thoroughly enjoyed. Patio + Music + great weather = fun time. They're jammin':

Another funny highlight of the weekend was riding in a super touristy horse-drawn carriage. Sometimes I'll do anything not to walk, and it being the romantical wedding edition carriage made it hilarious on top of the convenience. Jackpot. Friday evening we partook in a bizarre group called Hexadecagon. The show was set up in a large tent. The band played in the center of the room and the speakers were around the exterior and the fans stood around the band on all sides. It was quite the unique acoustic design. Also, they showed a mixed media presentation on the ceiling. Video, graphics, cartoons, photos...crazy montage. Pretty much a mecca for any high person. It was definitely interesting, but I don't think any of us were on the mind-altering drugs needed to really appreciate it. Another tricky element was the weather. On Saturday morning we were surprised with the joy that is an outdoor music festival on a day that didn't get above 50. I wimped out for a lot of the day, but ended up having a fantabulous evening, bundled in my sweatshirt. One big perk of cold weather is comfy shoes. I wore my chucks all night and danced like a fiend. It was a super weekend. I loved catching up with everyone in our old stompin' grounds. Also I met two awesome new friends. I fully intend to add them to my "cool people I know and like" list. Here's one of them jamming out with a saxophonist Mummy. Beat that, I dare you.

After work today I'm headed down to Austin for SXSW. More importantly, I'll be reuniting with all my favorite besties. I love them so much and often wish they still lived in the bedrooms right next door to me. They don't, pout, so weekends like this are mega special in my little world! Not many people laugh at my jokes get me like these preciouses. They're all fabulous in their own ways, here's why:

Lori. Fiercely fashionable and chic to the max. She's a world traveler and former resident of South Africa, so she often has awesome tales of her globe trots to share with the group. She's been known to do some wacky things, like get a pet snake, but never ceases to fascinate me. She has her own brand of doing most things but pulls them off with such grace. I envy her uniqueness and unrelenting desire to be green/philanthropic/selfless. She also will party on you. Her gifts include: impeccable taste, ability to thrive anywhere, a memory like a steel trap, unyielding saaviness/smarts and some swingin' dance grooves.

Sarah. We were freshman year roommates...so there's pretty much all the closeness you need. She is infinitely patient when I get girly, have hangovers and whine. Oh, and she's a marathon runner (WTF?), which is just a whole other awesome thing. She has seen me make all my most judgement-worthy decisions and doesn't judge. Now she's a hip and modern NYC dweller and I'm jealous of her career and life frequently. There's no replacing the friend that was there when you grew up, or tried to grow up. Her best qualities include: she's brave, an incredible listener, good advice giver, has independence galore and she's an extreme fan of Beyonce.

Andrea. I wish i had one 1/1000 of her intelligence and diligence. She's in medical school, so I often call her to discuss aches, pains and ways to combat the visible signs of aging. I'm waiting patiently for the day when she can slip me prescriptions, but she's probably far to ethical. At first we didn't have a lot in common, but she taught me how to work hard and I taught her about lipstick and shiny things. She definitely got the short end of the stick on that trade of expertise. Andrea's special things: BRAINPOWER that blows my mind, confidence, steadfast commitment to her beliefs and a healthy appreciate for trashy television.

Lauren. I prefer to refer to her as "Booger," a nickname that just sort of stuck in our circle. I don't quite get why, but its definitely a term of endearment. She is an amazing friend. She never forgets to call/text and is sure to stay in touch with everyone. She also has really hilarious stories, or a really hilarious way of telling stories. We romped around NYC for a summer together and got into lots of trouble, in a good way. Her best things: funny jokes, commitment to maintaining her friendships, willingness to let certain people call her "Booger", ability to 'bounce' when things get tough and she does amazing impressions.

Anyway, sorry for those of you reading this that aren't concerned with these lovely ladies, but they're some of my most favorite people on earth... not to mention some of the few committed Poodleism readers. My goals for the weekend are to get in plenty of catching up, dance until my torso is sore (it's happened before, hip shakes will do that to you), wreak havoc on SXSW and have something to show for myself Monday. We'll see about that last one.

Something awesome has happened. It is the release of Lady Gaga and Beyonce's "Telephone" video. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect and fabulous collaboration. Although a wonderful and dazzling endeavor, this video is extremely bizarre. It is wrought with shameless product placement, is over 9 minutes long and is more of a story than a traditional music video. Do not watch this at your office without headphones...

Here are a few stills from the video that particularly caught my eye: The video begins with Lady Gaga entering a prison. Who knows what she's captive for, but clearly she looks no less fierce behind bars. I don't exactly know what to comment on...the prison cell disgusting toilet in the background that she somehow still looks hip standing next too or her outfit choice. Either way, I sort of thing this ends the "I think she may have a penis" debate. Her glasses are adorned with lit cigarettes and she's making out with a butch lady prisoner. Never mind the makeout session, but the glasses kind of blow my mind. What bad trip led her to conceive of these? I also can't help but think of the poor production assistant that had to stand there and light all of them. What was running through his/her mind..."I went to film school dammit. And I'm trying to quit smoking. Eff this." Enter Beyonce to bail her out of jail. YES. She picks up Gaga in a ghetto fabulous tricked-out pickup truck with "Pussy Wagon" painted across the back of it (Go to around 4:46 of the video for a very bizarre interchange with the two) They have quick chat and then speed off to engage in some mischief. If I were sitting in the stepchild seat between the two of them I'd probably pee myself. I wish they just traveled alone in a pickup together everywhere they went. Eventually we get to this scene with Gaga in the kitchen. The bit is that she's preparing poisonous sandwiches to kill Beyonce's scoundrel boyfriend (portrayed by Tyrese Gibson) and eventually a lot of other people. This made me giggle because only Gaga would be in a kitchen wearing a phone helmet in a sparkly cocktail dress surrounded by a gaggle of gays. I think the thought of her in the kitchen at all is what resonated with me. I always just assumed (and still kind of do) that she drinks blood and eats spiders or something bizarre like that. Don't know how I got to that in my mind, but domesticity isn't really her game. hehehe. I've been known to rock some jorts in my day, but hot damn! These are the best jorts on the face of the earth. They are actually a little bit more like denim panties, but what a fierce look. I still maintain that I'll be born Beyonce in my next life. I'm already working on the dance moves in this life. I think I'm going start fasting now to be able to get into this getup around Halloween time. Last but most certainly not least: American Flag Gaga. Don't know where in the world this came from, but I like the show of pride. Gaga: she's an American JUST LIKE US! I guess this really just shocked me because she isn't in fact an alien. Maybe she still is an alien. Don't care. Love her. Loved the video.

Update: One of my co-workers just told me that watching the video "gave his brain a charlie horse." Perfect description.

Last night manfriend and I went on a double date with some friends to the Dallas Stars game. He loves hockey, and I'm starting to love it. The Stars dominated the San Jose Sharks and there were 3 quality fights at various points during the game. It blows my mind that they let the players just duke it out for a few minutes before they even attempt to stop it. Call me small minded if you will, but I can't get enough of a fistfight. I think that's human nature.

The thing that was really the most odd about the game was this:

Between the 2nd and 3rd periods of the game they brought out knights from the themed restaurant Medieval Times to have a real sword fight. WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? The rolled out their little fighting mat and just got right to business. It was probably the most random thing in the history of random things. All of us just kind of looked around at each other wondering, "we haven't had enough beers to be dreaming this up right now, right?" So next we were wondering was, what boardroom conversation was responsible for this being the chosen crowd distract0r between periods? Don't get me wrong, I loved every second of it. Quirky things really ring my bell. I imagine the conversation of the genius executives who conceived of this ridiculousness going a little something like this:

A: What about some girls out there doing some kind of boob-shaking dance?

B: Been done. Too boring.

A: Or some kind of giveaway competition involving kids from the crowd?

B: Eh. Nobody likes kids.

A. What about a monster truck rally, or a cockfight, or curling, or maybe a lion tamer?

B: That sounds better, but it's got to be something they're really not expecting.

A: EUREKA! I'VE GOT IT. WHAT ABOUT A RENAISSANCE-ERA SWORD FIGHT?

B: Now you're talking, that's probably the best idea you've ever had man. Done.

Anyway, it was really effing weird. I woke up this morning still aghast. Fun time had by all though. This is Preston and Megan, our dates for the evening. They're relatively new to my life, but climbing the charts of cool people I know:

I love overcoming my fears. It rarely happens. Some fears that I haven't overcome: SNAKES, being alone in a parking garage, waking up while in surgery, many types of seafood, swimming in murky water (partially relates to the snakes) and driving between a 18 wheeler and a concrete barrier. One thing I'm going to partially remove from the list is needles. Hip Hip Hooray! This is my "I just made that situation my bitch" face:

This morning I made my annual visit to the doctor. Needed to make sure everything is working ok and get my once yearly prescription refill. I visited a new doctor this morning, which was actually delightful and I'll definitely be back there, so I had to endure the requisite "tell us about everything that's ever happened to your body ever" routine. Since I'd never done it before, the office demanded I get my cholestrol checked...which requires a blood test. They totally surprised me with this one (I guess I just associate cholesterol problems with fat old men) and there was no turning back. I've been known to ask in advance if there will be any needle poking in my future so to arrange for a chaperone. Nuts. Totally unprepared.

I'm a fainter. That's why I need a chaperone. I will blackout on you if you stick me with a needle. Usually I can bank on it. There was one particular incident in high school where I was in an MRI clinic getting some diagnostics done for a stomach problem. Inserting the IV resulted in 3 total blackouts (like fell out of my chair onto the floor) and a call to EMS. It was traumatic and since then I haven't tried to endure it alone. My mommy had to come with me to get all three rounds of the Guardasil vaccine. I was age 20.

In the spirit of growing up and not really having a person to accompany me in my new DFW home, I decided to just wing it and give it a try. There was a special laboratory area where I had to go after my appointment for the blood extraction. Clearly they sat me in the single seat in the waiting area that had a full view of all the patients getting stabbed before me. I asked a man next to me to switch. He wasn't thrilled but moved swiftly...I must have looked as panicy as I felt.

So my turn comes around and I warn the technician what might happen. She was an angel. She told me to look over her shoulder at the pictures she had hung up of her children. If there is any way to dupe me it is to dangle an infant. She just started chatting me up about these kids. From their ages, to favorite movies, to one awkward comment about her being in labor for 37 hours. I felt a tiny prick and looked down to see her sucking the blood out into the tube and she jokingly said...."This would be a tough job if I were a vampire." I giggled and my mind went wild with thoughts of Twilight obviously. It was all over and I get pretty light-headed and started to see a bright light, but no blackout to speak of. VICTORY. HALLELUJA! I'M A BIG KID NOW! She made me sit there a second and sip some juice (I was dissapointed there was no cookie) and sent me on my way. Here's a pic of the evidence: I walked out of there thinking "WTF just happened? Did I just handle that like an adult?" I think I did. Whoa. It's been sort of a weird day so far (poodle chaos overnight - all is well now though), but I feel like I did something great. So proud. I don't think it is fair to consider the fear totally conquered yet, but I'm getting there. Hot Damn.

This weekend I sojourned back to my hometown, the H-Teezy, for a wonderful wedding celebration. Many aspects of the wedding blew my mind. It was one of the most tasteful and beautifully designed events I've been to. This could've gone on a WE channel show or something. On top of the beauty, it was just downright fun. There was delicious cuisine, dancing, drinks, friends...all of these things I really really love. These are a few of my favorite details from the night:

The groom's cake was one of the most amazing baked delights I've ever beheld. From a conesuerr of tasty treats like myself, that is a statement. The cake was designed to look like a crate of wine bottles. Each of the labels had been hand picked and recreated in frosting to reflect the bride and grooms birth years, the year they met and the engagement. And it was all edible! White wedding cake (the bride's cake) is one of my top 5 favorite foods, but this was just too awesome not to share.

The bride's dress was so freaking amazing. It was sort of an antiquey off white and detailed with lace. When she walked down the aisle the train stretched 6 feet behind her and the veil was 8 feet! I could never pull that off, but this bride can, and did.

The happy married couple drove away in a vintage (is that the right word for cars?) Rolls Royce. The driver honked the horn and it played "Here comes the bride." The car exited the driveway through lit sparklers. It was so stinking cute and could've been out of a movie. I wanted to be in there so bad. That may have been because at the culmination of the night I was getting a little tired and my feet killed. Would've been a little strange if I had been in there with them though. On top of all the wedding fun, the best part really was seeing some friends I haven't connected with in a long time. Miss old friends. They're scattered far away and I'm grateful for the time we got together this weekend.