So Tiger Woods. Where to begin? I’ve been thinking about this topic since the Thanksgiving car crash and have been collecting my thoughts and waiting for things to settle before I react to the matter. The problem with that plan is that every day some new freakish, strange thing comes out. I guess I just can’t wait any longer, the floodgates are still pouring with Tiger smut.

More than anything, his “transgressions” (which is what the news outlets are referring to his sluttines as) just make me sad. Why do famous people do so many bad things? He was one of the few shining bastions of classiness and decorum left in the celebrity world, especially sports (If you’re listening Kobe, Mike Vick, Plaxico, wave your freak flag for a while…nobody is looking at anybody but Tiger). It breaks my heart/spirit, but it is refreshing to hear that the waspy elitists of the golf world aren’t exempt from “transgressions.” Now that things have gotten totally crazy, here are my favorite of the revelations about Tiger’s “secret life” :

• 14 (and counting) women have come forward! I think I may say we had an affair to get my own US Weekly cover…its one of my long-time dreams.
• He likes to have sex on Ambien…WTF?
• He’s an avid sexter and never makes grammatical/spelling error in texts (I know this because I read many of them), kudos on that attention to detail.
• He has accomplices to his infidelity. I cannot fathom how awesome it must be to have a full staff of people to help you be secretly devious. I plan to look into that.

One side of me wishes that the freakiness would just keep pouring out, but really can’t we just leave him alone? He is the master of the fairway, not moral code (obviously). Maybe his indefinite leave from the PGA will send golf pack to ESPN the Ocho channel, keeping televised golf off manfriends radar for a while. If that happens, thanks Tiger.